In yet another feeble stab at bettering myself, I decided to try to meditating this morning. (And by “meditate,” I mean “drink coffee without checking email.”) So I’m sitting there for about 25 seconds, when my brain starts talking to me. (My brain doesn’t support my attempts at self-improvement.) This is more or less how the conversation went: Brain: Hey – hey, you. Don’t pretend you can’t hear me. I know you hear me. Me: I’m not listening, I’m not listening, la-la-la-la-la… Brain: What’cha doin’? Me: STFU, I’m trying to meditate here. Brain: I’m bored. I’ll bet I can get you to think about doughnuts…right…NOW. Me: Grrr… Brain: Hey, this is fun! Now we’re going to think about giraffes. Do you ever wonder what it would be like if they had to swallow pills? Like, if a giraffe had a headache and had to swallow an aspirin, how exactly would that work?* Me: Shut up. Brain: No, really—would he put the aspirin under his two-foot tongue? And then he’d have to bend all the way over to get some water, and the pill would fall out. Poor giraffes. Me: I said shut up. Brain: You suck at meditating. Me: I hate you. Brain: Mmm……

I don’t believe in god (or God), and I’m pretty down on religion too. I’m Jewish by birth, but that’s not so much a faith as it is an excuse to eat kugel and go to therapy. As far as religions go, Judaism isn’t the worst. (Although going to Hebrew school instead of participating in normal after school activities puts it in the running for “Religion Most Likely to Ensure You’re the Last One Picked for Kickball.”) I’m a little uncomfortable with Atheism; its members are almost as devout and insufferable as their religious counterparts. I don’t understand people who have a strong belief in disbelief. (I think that’s called Occam’s Razor. Or is it St. Elmo’s Fire? I always get those confused.) I really can’t fault the atheists though—it sucks being the most reviled people on the planet. Oh wait – no – that’s the Muslims. Never mind.* I’m not a big fan of Agnosticism—it sounds more like an excuse than an identity. As far as I can tell, it’s a lot like kissing your sister. And not in a good way. That said, I do see its merit as a way of avoiding bar fights and conversations with…