After landing at the Denver airport, picking up our embarrassing mountain of luggage from the baggage carousel and renting a car, the Weenies were off on their Colorado extravaganza. Supposedly the first leg of our long drive through the Rockies was quite beautiful. I know this because Mr. Weenie told me so. Apparently I’d fallen asleep about ten minutes into our two-week journey, thanks to my inflight cocktail of Xanax and Dramamine. As I awakened from my drug-induced coma somewhere near Cripple Creek, we decided to stop for sustenance; and by sustenance, I mean potato chips and powdered sugar doughnuts. So there we were—making our way around snowcapped mountains and winding rivers, all hopped up on trans fats and corn syrup. Unfortunately, even the refreshing breeze of the largest mountain chain in North America couldn’t overcome the stench of a certain foul-breathed poodle who’d just spent three hours in a bag stuffed under a seat. All I could do was thank the gods for Febreeze and cover his head with a map. Traveling with a dog is both fun and challenging. Getting Dexter to eat and drink by the side of the road was a poor choice, so we gave…

Day two of the Weenies’ excellent adventure began with a visit to the Royal Gorge. In addition to its spectacular plunge of over 1,000 feet to the Arkansas River below, the Royal Gorge’s sheer cliff walls support the world’s largest suspension bridge. Even more impressive than the bridge itself was the fact that I had cell service from just outside the park gates. I’m still trying to figure out how that’s possible when I regularly drop calls on the way to my sister’s house in west Austin. While the circus surrounding this national treasure reminded me of a geologically-themed amusement park, and the entry fee for the two of us sounded as steep as the rock walls beyond the front gate, Mr. Weenie insisted it was worth the price. Keep in mind that I was traveling with the Clark Griswold of the Weenie family. As I stood there envisioning a $50, 30-second, head-nodding peek at the gorge from atop a very large bridge, a generous old codger handed us a six dollar discount coupon (which coincidentally, was the exact price of a funnel cake). Decision made. Having paid for the experience, we decided to take full advantage of all the…

After our exciting morning at the Royal Gorge, the Weenie family arrived in Pagosa Springs, which would be home base for the next week. Our condo was perfectly located in close proximity to some of southern Colorado’s most beautiful hiking. That said, our first full day in Pagosa was spent sleeping. Literally. We slept until noon-ish, ate, napped, napped again, had dinner and went to bed around 8:30. The real adventure in Pagosa Springs began the next day, when Dexter and I set out on our first hike. The weather was a bit cloudy and cool as we went outside to explore the neighborhood. After winding our way through the area, we came upon a quaint gravel path leading to yet another set of condos. Beyond that there was a small beaver pond I was hoping to reach before the weather turned. About a minute later when the skies opened, Dexter and I decided to head back home. Now, I’m not known for my keen sense of direction, so it’s generally a good idea to assume my internal compass points the opposite way from where you’d want to go. Bearing that in mind, I had three choices: (1) Go the…

Unlike our usual vacations where we eat out for virtually every meal, the Weenies decided to prepare most of our own while in Colorado. Now this probably sounds like a completely normal thing to do for most people, but in case you haven’t noticed, the Weenies are not most people. You see, even when we’re at home we rarely make dinner together. For one thing, Bill and I don’t eat the same foods (he’s the steak to my tofu), so we usually end up having completely different meals at completely different times. I may get hungry at 6:00, whereas his dinner might consist of Whataburger taquitos at 1:00 a.m. So to say we were a bit out of our element would be an understatement. Since one of us had to stay in the car with Dexter T. Poodle while the other went into the grocery store, much of the decision making was left to the shopper. This explains why we had spaghetti, fruit and veggies in the basket when I did the shopping; while when Bill was in charge, there was an abundant supply of cookies and cinnamon rolls in the pantry. The first meal we prepared was spaghetti with…

The Weenies’ second hike was somewhat more successful than the first. For one thing, we didn’t get lost in the parking lot. As a warmup we decided to take what the brochure called an “easy” jaunt up to a mountain lake. Note: “Easy” in Colorado is not the same as “Easy” in south Austin. I told Bill we needed more than one bottle of water, but he was convinced our little walk wouldn’t take more than 45 minutes or so. An hour and a half later we shared our last rationed sip of water as we watched the mud under our feet (and paws) turn to snow. To be fair, we did have a lovely lunch by a mountain lake, although considering the water situation, my choice of peanut butter and jelly was not very well thought out. ********** Over the next few days we chose much easier hikes (for real this time). Other than when I almost fell into a giant crevasse (which turned out to be one in a series of very cool ice cave fissures), the hiking was fairly uneventful. We climbed up ridges to gorgeous waterfalls, while resident fecal expert, Bill Haddad, kept us apprised of…

One of the top items on the Pagosa Springs “must do” list is soaking in the healing waters of the hot springs. While the sulphuric smell of rotten eggs is a bit of a turnoff, the nose quickly adjusts once the soaking has begun. The Weenies decided to splurge on a spa that offered massages in addition to the springs. Our only problem was a certain small fuzzball who also happened to smell like rotten eggs. While taking a two week vacation in the Colorado Rockies with your toy poodle may sound like a good idea in theory, I encourage you to think long and hard before doing so. There were very few things we missed along the way due to poodle intolerance—we even managed to slip him into a few restaurants here and there—but sneaking him into a spa seemed a bit optimistic. After setting up a voice recorder while Bill and I were out one morning, we discovered Dexter had a severe case of separation anxiety (you would have thought we’d left him with Cruella DeVille), so we called the spa to get special permission to bring him along. How naive we were to think he’d just sleep…

After a wonderful week of hiking, the Weenies said goodbye to Pagosa Springs and turned their sights westward toward Durango and beyond. Sadly, the Durango Railroad didn’t allow poodles, so we continued on up past Silverton to the heart-pounding twists and turns of the “Million Dollar Highway” (named, I assume, for the amount of money you promise God you’ll donate to starving orphans if you survive). Clark Griswold had us on a tight schedule, so after a quick lunch in the sleepy mining town of Ouray, we headed out for our next destination. The highlight of the day was definitely the Black Canyon of Gunnison National Park. The Royal Gorge seemed comically small compared to this rugged masterpiece of solid rock. We saw lots of wildlife there, including some sort of chicken-like creature we initially thought was a hawk. (Clearly the Weenies’ birding skills are not very well developed.) We drove all the way down to the riverbed, 2000 feet below, then tried getting back up to the top before sunset. Have you ever tried outrunning the rotation of the earth? Not as easy as Superman made it appear, but sort of fun in a Lucy and Ethel kind of…

Exactly 20 years ago I graduated from The University of Texas, sold my car and bought a one-way ticket to Vail, Colorado. Burned out after college, the last thing I wanted to be was a practicing graphic designer, so I packed up a few things and headed off for life as a ski bum. “Weenie’s Vail Years” is a saga in and of itself, and maybe I’ll tell it someday. For now though, it’s just a bit of back story. Let me start by saying, I love this town. Vail took me in during a difficult time in my life, and while there were some rough patches along the way, the fact that I could wake up to such beauty each day and ski to work made everything seem alright. Also, I was in my 20s and there were lots of boys there. But I digress. Coming back to Vail after so long was like going to someone else’s high school reunion; I didn’t know anyone and spent a lot of time trying to find a restroom. As we first drove into town, I had Mr. Weenie take me by the condo where I used to live. Hardly anything had…

We decided to spend the last week of our Colorado vacation in the secluded town of Alma, just south of Breckenridge. Alma had everything we were looking for in a quiet hideaway—snowcapped mountains, a winding creek, wildlife to watch, trails to explore and seven whole days take it all in. We couldn’t wait to get started doing nothing. What we were about to learn however, was just how much nothing there was in Alma—and how much of it we could bear. DAY 1: The altitude has gotten to us again. We drop our suitcases and pass out for twelve hours. Technically, this doesn’t really count as a day. DAY 2: Our anniversary! We sleep, read, eat and generally enjoy each other’s company. Bill gives me a nice gift. I have no gift for Bill. I thought the trip to Colorado was a gift. I am an asshole. DAY 3: Bill sleeps like a drugged toddler, while I read futuristic porn on my iPad. He later accuses me of secretly texting. Has he seen me sneak out during his naps to stand in a field with my arm reaching skyward, waving my phone like a lighter at a Bon Jovi concert? I’ve given thought to climbing up on the roof to get a connection,…