Part 12: Rocky Mountain Hell

We decided to spend the last week of our Colorado vacation in the secluded town of Alma, just south of Breckenridge. Alma had everything we were looking for in a quiet hideaway—snowcapped mountains, a winding creek, wildlife to watch, trails to explore and seven whole days take it all in. We couldn’t wait to get started doing nothing. What we were about to learn however, was just how much nothing there was in Alma—and how much of it we could bear.

DAY 1: The altitude has gotten to us again. We drop our suitcases and pass out for twelve hours. Technically, this doesn’t really count as a day.

DAY 2: Our anniversary! We sleep, read, eat and generally enjoy each other’s company. Bill gives me a nice gift. I have no gift for Bill. I thought the trip to Colorado was a gift. I am an asshole.

DAY 3: Bill sleeps like a drugged toddler, while I read futuristic porn on my iPad. He later accuses me of secretly texting. Has he seen me sneak out during his naps to stand in a field with my arm reaching skyward, waving my phone like a lighter at a Bon Jovi concert? I’ve given thought to climbing up on the roof to get a connection, but who would take care of the dog if I died in a tragic interneting accident?

DAY 4: Things are getting desperate. Trapped in a beautiful prison, Bill has started reading receipts and looking through photos of our dead dog. This morning he sat at the window with binoculars, reporting on a team of climbers he claimed to have seen on a mountain ridge. It was seven hours before he realized he was looking at trees. Now it’s snowing sideways, so Bill takes inventory of our supplies. He worries about scurvy. We’ve taken to wearing Unibomber hoodies to bed.

DAY 5: We’ve eaten a pound of chocolate, three pizzas and four sleeves of Oreos. Yesterday’s highlight was brushing our teeth. The dog keeps trying to get us to take him for a walk, but we just stare at him blankly. Last night he barfed on the couch in an attempt to give us something to do together as a family.

DAY 6: We’ve gone through all the Trivial Pursuit questions and briefly considered an online chess tutorial, but we don’t have internet. We also don’t have chess. Bill obsessively plays solitaire with real cards, while I forage for Ding Dongs. We haven’t bathed in two days.

DAY 7: Our vacation is coming to an end, so we tidy up the house, pack our bags and take one last look. I’m actually a little sad to be leaving this quiet little paradise and am in no hurry to get back to the Texas heat. I’m even kind of bummed to be plugging back in; we’ve grown accustomed to the quiet desperation of an internet-free existence. It’s a cold, snowy day, so we don’t roll out of Alma until around noon. After all, there’s really no rush.