I tried (and failed) not to use “SXSW” in this headline.

If you remember this, you're old.

If you remember this, you’re old.

Austinites have a unique relationship with their hometown, especially during SXSW. Technically, its residents don’t own the city, but many of us feel that we do. Here’s a helpful list of the colorful neighbors you’re likely to find in Austin and what you should expect when encountering them.

A-TEAM: “Get off my lawn.”

  • Those who remember Armadillo World Headquarters, Skillerns Drugstore, pre-Mopac transportation, and Aqua Fest (bonus points if you had a Skipper Pin)
  • Allowed to complain/shake fist*

*Might be mistaken for elderly person
**Probably is elderly person

B-TEAM: “You can be on my lawn, but only if you bring me a giant doobie.”

  • Those who remember Eckerd’s Drugstore, jeans that fit properly, and sex on South Congress that didn’t include dinner and drinks
  • Allowed to complain; fist-shaking optional

C-TEAM: “Get off my lawn.” *said ironically*

  • Can be identified by number of Apple products in man-purse; often confused for SXSW attendee; sneaky
  • Not allowed to complain; legal to throw rocks at, although must be prepared to pay for broken horn-rimmed glasses (unless worn ironically, in which case you may stomp on them repeatedly)

D-TEAM: “What the hell’s the problem with this traffic? I’m going to be late for my manicure.”
WARNING: Soccer Mom (Do not fuck with these people.)

E-TEAM: “What is that bright disk in the sky?”

  • Often referred to as “recluses” or “shut-ins,” these people remember a time before cell phones and laptops, when parking downtown was free.
  • Complaining rights depend upon whether you’re too cool (see C-Team) or too old (see A-Team)

F-TEAM: “Get out of my town and go back to California, posers.”

  • Moved to Austin after 1979
  • Mistakenly think they’re allowed to complain; likely to be mocked by Teams A and B

SPECIAL TEAMS: Natives
CAUTION: Handle with care; may be hostile

  • Can be identified by pained facial expression and total disdain for others (especially when those others are from California)*
  • Allowed to complain while two-stepping over your grave

*Natives see Californians as just an invasive species, akin to hackberry trees and feral pigs. No matter how often you clear the land or cull the herd, they just keep coming back.

And there you have it—your guide to a happy and safe SXSW. There’s no need to fight about it—just pick a team and go with the flow.

And please get off my lawn.