10 Ways to Tell “Weather” or Not You’re in Texas

Yippee-ki-yay Here in Central Texas, we’re in the middle of what some would call a mild summer. Today we’re only expected to hit 95°, and while not what I’d call “invigorating,” it’s a relief just to be able to walk from the car to the house without stopping at the halfway point to hydrate.

One thing that distinguishes a Texas summer is its endlessness. That being said, Texans are a tough breed, so until the number of days with triple digit temperatures exceeds a person’s age, you probably won’t hear many complaints. Should you have the great misfortune of finding yourself within our borders between the months of March and November, refer to the list below for help understanding our ways. Best of luck, brave traveler.

Them vs Us:

  1. In some places, houseplants are moved outside on a sunny afternoon to help them grow. In Texas, houseplants are moved outside on a sunny afternoon to put them out of their misery faster.
  2. weather-reportIn some places, a 30% chance of rain means there’s a 30% chance it will rain and a 70% chance it won’t rain. In Texas, a 30% chance of rain means local meteorologists are bored with their graphics.
  3. In some places, a cold front means the temperature is expected to drop more than 15°. In Texas, a cold front means you can safely walk outdoors.
  4. In some places, people wear hats and scarves because they’re going outside. In Texas, people wear hats and scarves because they’re going on vacation.
  5. In some places, people who park outside have to dig their cars out of the snow. In Texas, people who park outside are totally screwed.
  6. In some places, dog owners put booties on their pooches to protect their paws from ice and snow. In Texas, dog owners put booties on their pooches to protect their paws from third degree burns.
  7. In some places, a summertime hike is followed by swimming and a picnic. In Texas, a summertime hike is followed by severe sun poisoning and a trip to the ER.
  8. In some places, people live without air conditioning in their homes. In Texas, people die without air conditioning in their homes.
  9. In some places, a pile of coats and hats signals the beginning of winter. In Texas, a pile of coats and hats signals a garage sale.
  10. In some places, the appearance of ice indicates it’s dangerous to drive. In Texas, the appearance of ice indicates it’s time for margaritas.

Cheers, y’all!