A Communist’s Guide to Gun Ownership

Well, I skipped my writing challenge last night. Why? Because I was watching “Family Guy.” For those of you unfamiliar with this adults-only cartoon, it’s one that, on a scale of one to ten (with 1 being the lowest common denominator) rates somewhere in the neighborhood of zero. And yet it is one of the funniest shows on TV. Now, I wouldn’t recommend it to just anyone. For example, while my 11-year-old niece watches it (without her mom’s knowledge…until now), I won’t let my own mother see it to spare her the devastation of learning where all the college tuition went: right down the toilet (which is coincidentally one of the more common themes of the show, along with bestiality and pedophilia). Now before you judge me (as if), keep in mind that there is actually some reasonably well thought out humor here. I mean, what’s funnier than a talking dog who humps a babysitter voiced by Drew Barrymore? Right?? Classic stuff.

In unrelated news, I’ve come to find there’s been a series of break-ins and assaults in my neighborhood, which has triggered some existentialist conversation here at Casa Weenie. In case you’ve never met me, you should know that my political leanings are just this side of socialism (and it’s not the side you think). In a cruel twist of fate, I happened to fall in love with and marry a man who owns guns. This was a problem for a long time, but I made my hesitant peace with it by acknowledging that he’s a reasonably level-headed guy who hunts about once a year and gives the meat to his brother. (He knows better than to bring any of his murder victims home to me after the great Bambi decapitation of 2003, whereby the head of a formerly romping deer found its way into my garbage can, but that’s a story for another time.)

Anyway, back to the assaults. A long, long time ago my husband bought a safe for the guns and still hasn’t given me the code to unlock it. I’m grateful for this on many levels. First of all, our early marriage was a bit “challenging” (and I was a tad “bipolar”), so an unprotected, loaded weapon under the bed of an unmedicated, half-cocked woman wasn’t a stellar idea. Also, I really have no desire to use a gun, although I’m actually a pretty good shot and occasionally enjoy going to Red’s Gun Range for target practice. (I know, I know.) Idealist tendencies aside, this recent crime spree has me pondering the idea of having Mr. Weenie give me the combination to the gun safe. The fact that this has even crossed my mind is jarring enough, but the big (and currently unanswerable) question is: Would I use it if I had to, and if the answer is yes, would I end up shooting my eye out? While a decent shot at the range, where the only distraction is the guy next to me firing what appears to be a cannon on a stick, I don’t think I could be depended upon in a firefight.

Of course, as my husband so delicately puts it, “Well, would you rather be attacked in your own home?” Which brings me back to “Family Guy.” In yet another hilariously disturbing episode (which, by the way, was named “Worst TV Show of the Week” in 2005), our protagonist, Peter, discovers that his son Chris’s penis is larger than his own. To make up for his insecurity, Peter joins the NRA and buys a gun (and a red car). After a series of typically convoluted twists and turns involving a hunting trip and bear attack, Peter learns that having a gun doesn’t automatically make him safe. Meanwhile, for unrelated reasons back at home, Peter’s wife Lois has sent her neighbor out to molest the teenaged girls at her daughter’s slumber party. I just can’t help but wonder how that episode would’ve ended if the girls had owned guns.

And there you have it—another 750 words from the far reaches of my disturbed brain. The part that really gets me is that the people who live inside my computer have declared this entry to be rated “PG-13,” which begs the question: In what world does bestiality, pedophilia and rape of teenaged girls get a PG-13 rating? And more importantly, when does Mr. Weenie get home from work so I can get the combination to that safe?