Birthday Math

So, I turned 43 last week. It’s kind of a double edged sword having a birthday so close to the holidays. On one hand, I never had to go to school on my big day, but there is a down side, and it’s called the “combination gift.” Now, it’s not that I don’t understand laziness as a concept. One of the main reasons I choose to work from home is to save the step of changing out of pajamas in the morning.

What most folks don’t realize however, is that there are very clear rules about the often misunderstood combination gift. First of all (and most obviously), a combo gift must be at least twice as good (read: expensive) as a typical birthday gift. This is best illustrated using fairly straight forward algebraic equations: If Hanukkah=Bathrobe and Birthday=Pedicure, then Birthukkah=Trip to Canyon Ranch. Similarly, if Christmas=Earrings and Birthday=Tickets to the opera, then Birthmas=Trip to New York for Broadway show with stopover at Tiffany’s. Get it?

Teenie Weenie and Big Bird, circa 1970

Another one of the challenges of having a holiday birthday is competing with family gatherings and vacations. As a child this may play out in poorly attended birthday parties where your dad has to dress up as Big Bird because the rest of Sesame Street (and most of your friends) are on holiday in Aspen.The bright side? More cake for you.

As an adult you may run into similar problems which can be exacerbated by a spouse who himself doesn’t care for birthday parties. This leaves holiday birthday girl with a dilemma: mope around house until spouse takes you to expensive restaurant, or my favorite: plan own birthday party. This method is particularly effective with narcissistic pragmatists, which most Capricorns are anyway.

This birthday I decided I wanted to celebrate with my co-working pals at Central Austin Jelly. While it may not be as glamorous as a trip to a spa or dinner at an overpriced bistro with microscopic portions, it certainly was festive. The older I get, the more I appreciate simplicity, including parties that don’t end in hangovers and gifts that kill two (Big)Birds with one stone.

This year Mr. Weenie asked if I wanted two mediocre gifts or one big gift borne of guilt. I went with door number two, which, as usual, was the right decision. This year’s combination gift? A sweet new iPad. I’ve always had math anxiety, but I tell you what—birthday math is fun.