The following is an excerpt from an extended text conversation between Cathy Benavides and myself. I needed help with an outfit for a family wedding. It should be noted that Cathy is a fashionista, and I am—well, clearly not. And… scene.

My poor dog has to play fetch with himself.  

On the eve of my 44th birthday, I find myself looking back on lessons learned over the years. Here are a few I thought I’d share… On keeping up with technology: Try staying one step ahead of your mother. On long hair: It’s lovely until you find it on your toes. On foreplay: Between cleaning toilets and rubbing lotion on my dry elbows, sometimes “Hey, wanna sex break?” is all you’re going to get. On lingerie: See number 3. On owning a business with your spouse: Two words: Separate offices. On marriage: See number 5 (and probably number 3). On cleaning house, I present an analogy: Macular degeneration is to housework what Spanx are to excercise. On gaining weight: See “Spanx.” On parenthood: Better you than me. On sentimentality: If you don’t have kids, there’s no need for fine china or scrapbooking. On cooking: Ketchup can fix many culinary missteps but usually not in baked goods. On not eating meat: You will miss bacon. Seriously. You will miss it a lot. On dressing appropriately for one’s age: Shoot for somewhere between Angela Lansbury and a hooker. On expectations: Sometimes you will be disappointed, and sometimes you won’t. On meeting Prince…