Let me start by making a simple request: As difficult as it might be, please try and resist the urge to picture me naked for the next five minutes. Normally I’d just refrain from telling my tale in such a public forum, but this is a story that begs to be told. Plus, let’s face it, I was lying about the normally refraining part. So rather than picturing me in my birthday suit, try imagining me in an entirely different kind of suit—maybe your grandmother’s swimsuit—the one with the ruffles and skirt. While you’re at it, go ahead and imagine copious amounts of cellulite on the backs of my thighs. That’s actually closer to reality and also serves as punishment for those of you who insist on picturing me without clothes. Okay, so it’s settled then: I am in the shower, wearing Granny’s swimsuit. And a shower cap. It all started when my dog gave the universal signal for “Mom needs a shower” by moving to the other end of the couch. As far as showers go, this one wasn’t anything special. I was unimpressed with the water pressure, and overall it was shaping up to be just your average…

In trying to come up with content for my blog, I polled my friends on Facebook to see which topic they’d be interested in hearing about. According to the pile of responses I received (I believe there were six), most folks wanted to hear about why I was locked out of my bedroom. As it turns out, the title of this story is more interesting than the reality of the situation. I don’t know what possessed me to commit to a topic that could’ve been summed up in a tweet, when the only commitments I’ve managed to keep over the past dozen years or so are to stay married and floss regularly—both of which have been challenging at times. While nobody really cares if I actually write on this topic, I’m determined to follow through. First, I present the perfectly tweetable summary in fewer than 140 characters: “Oh great, the door to my bedroom is screwed up, so I’m locked out. Fortunately, we have two bathrooms. Otherwise the neighbors would’ve gotten a frightening backyard show.” And now for the Weenified version: When I began writing this post, I was just glad to be locked out of the bedroom rather than…

Well, I skipped my writing challenge last night. Why? Because I was watching “Family Guy.” For those of you unfamiliar with this adults-only cartoon, it’s one that, on a scale of one to ten (with 1 being the lowest common denominator) rates somewhere in the neighborhood of zero. And yet it is one of the funniest shows on TV. Now, I wouldn’t recommend it to just anyone. For example, while my 11-year-old niece watches it (without her mom’s knowledge…until now), I won’t let my own mother see it to spare her the devastation of learning where all the college tuition went: right down the toilet (which is coincidentally one of the more common themes of the show, along with bestiality and pedophilia). Now before you judge me (as if), keep in mind that there is actually some reasonably well thought out humor here. I mean, what’s funnier than a talking dog who humps a babysitter voiced by Drew Barrymore? Right?? Classic stuff. In unrelated news, I’ve come to find there’s been a series of break-ins and assaults in my neighborhood, which has triggered some existentialist conversation here at Casa Weenie. In case you’ve never met me, you should know that…

Welcome to Day 2 of Ilene writing about nothing. The fine folks at 750words.com have informed me that my most recent entry was rated PG-13—apparently for swearing, violence and/or sexual content. I guess some people get turned on while grocery shopping. Who am I to judge? The stats also tell me I’m feeling upset and concerned mostly about death, which seems a bit extreme. I only killed a couple of shrubs for god’s sake—it’s not like I’m growing hemlock in the backyard. Sheesh… Okay, here is an excerpt from yesterday’s writing challenge: I think I’ll try writing on an actual topic today, rather than just letting my subconscious spew strange combinations of words. Today’s topic: Clutter. I’m not just talking about the brain clutter that encourages me to write about nothing. I’m talking about the fourteen water bottles I just pulled out of an overstuffed kitchen cabinet… The problem with clutter is that it’s everywhere. As soon as I finished one cabinet, I moved on to the light bulb/candles/dog treats area (because these things make sense together). Next will be my arch nemesis, the tupperware lair that almost caused a divorce back in 2006… Every time we need to get…

Today I tried out a site called 750words.com. My friend, Sam, recommended I give it a try since I seem to complain a lot about not writing. So off I went to write, and the mess that came tumbling out when I didn’t have a topic or reason to be writing was an embarrassment. So of course I will share some of it with you, because I love spreading the joy: Okay, here I go. I’m writing 750 words. I hate this type of exercise. It makes me feel foolish and tired, which probably means it’s good for me, like broccoli and regular tooth brushing. I’m not totally convinced though. I mean, I don’t mind occasional hygiene, but broccoli’s kind of gross. So is having to write when I don’t feel like it… I wonder if I’m supposed to create new paragraphs. That’ll be hard since every sentence I write seems to be on a different topic. Speaking of different topics, I’m fucking sick of this drought we’re having here in Texas. I feel like a raisin. My insides feel dusty, and I have an urge to sprinkle myself. Actually, I feel like a HUGE raisin—a prune, perhaps. A giant,…

There’s a nasty rumor going around that I am a tad on the neurotic side. I’m not exactly sure how this rumor started, but it’s likely that #BlogathonATX Part 3 had something to do with it. Now, that’s not to say the event itself was tense and Xanax-filled (present company excluded), and hopefully none of the attendees could tell, but I do have a tendency to worry a bit. Unfortunately, there’s a good chance some of the members of my planning team noticed a personality shift during the weeks leading up to the event. Perhaps it was the the 27 emails I sent to Kay and Laurie about napkins or the panicked phone calls to Blair and Cathy about sentence structure and trash cans. Did the the worry tweets I regularly aimed at Amanda hint at a tad of insecurity, or was it my preoccupation with Julie and Jeremy’s choice of fonts that gave me away? It’s really hard to say exactly what may have tipped them off.

My friend Elmer Boutin wrote several articles about the most recent #BlogathonATX. This one is an excellent review of our session on video blogging, led by Talmadge Boyd. I really love Elmer’s note-taking style. I think we’ve found the official scribe of Blogathon! Video Blogging With Talmadge Boyd – #BlogathonATX By Elmer Boutin – The Crossing of Marketing & IT Talmadge Boyd (@Talmadge) headed up with first session at BlogathonATX and gave out some great tips on video bloggin. Here they are, in no particular order of importance: Anyone who’s not afraid of their face should video blog. You shouldn’t be afraid, how you look like how you’re going to look. Check out The War of Art by Steven Pressfield (Amazon Affiliate link). Don’t use the excuse that “I’m just not into it today” or “The muse just isn’t with me” for creating. If you create for a living, get out there and do it. Content-wise, everything needs to be bite-sized. People don’t consume things like they used to. A challenege it to make thjngs short enough and compelling enough to to get your message across. Write a short piece and then shoot based on on that idea or thought. Don’t…

Hello iPad, my old friend I’ve come to play with you again But this network is slowly creeping Dropped the Wi-Fi while I was Skyping And the iTunes that were planted in my brain Still remain Within the walls of Apple The internets I walked alone My iPod and my iPhone By the halo of an iMac Ten hours of Photoshop won’t break my back When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of some rare sunlight (I worked all night) Just like the staff at Apple And in the iTunes store I saw Ten thousand mobile apps or more People sharing songs on Spotify Checked in on Foursquare though I don’t know why People writing blogs that no one ever shares ’cause no one cares Except the nerds at Apple Hardware choices start to grow MacBook Air or MacBook Pro They say the iPhone 5 is coming soon When it does I’m pretty sure I’ll swoon But my hopes, like silent teardrops fell And echoed Within the well of Apple And the people bowed and prayed To the Apple god they made And their thumbs all hurt from texting Too many hashtags and LOL-ing And their texts said, “The…