Envy Is Pissing Me Off

I just had a very brief and unpleasant conversation with my husband. While my business seems to have hit a plateau, Mr. Weenie is experiencing great success with his. Am I happy for him? Of course. Proud? Hell yes. Seething with barely contained hostility? Absolutely.

Envy is the most opportunistic member of the emotional community. While Optimism and Confidence gossip over cappuccinos, and Introspection sits in the corner with her arms crossed, Envy stares inside longingly from the street, waiting patiently to be invited in, which she always is. (Envy is also a drama queen, so she’s standing in the rain.)

Envy is the most unnecessary of all emotions. At least Fear serves a purpose: Hey—Do you see that Gila monster over there? Don’t touch it. Envy serves only to make a person feel less than someone else: Hey—Do you see the $7,000 jacket that woman over there is wearing? Don’t touch it.

I hate Envious Weenie, but unfortunately she and I are conjoined twins. As much as I want to tear her off like an ugly sweater, we share some important organs I’d like to hang on to. In an attempt at compromise, I have come up with a few coping strategies to help me live in peace with this reality:

  1. Try not to compare myself to others. This is much easier said than done—especially when you’re suffering from PMS and have a giant pimple on the tip of your nose.
  2. Remember, no one’s life is perfect. (Although for $7,000, I hope that woman’s jacket is fucking flawless.)
  3. Things balance out over time. For example, I am envious Mr. W. has a great new client, but I am not envious of his hairline.
  4. Acknowledge how much you have. This one’s pretty easy, as well as highly scalable: I have socks. I have shoes. I have feet.

If all else fails, try experimenting with a new coping mechanism. For example, rather than feel envious, I’ve decided to focus on my next hobby—making voodoo dolls from the hairballs Mr. W. leaves in the shower. Take that, Mr. Successful.