10 Things

  1. Rerun is the gold standard of dreams.Cooking spray is not an effective alternative to furniture polish.
  2. If you dream that Rerun from What’s Happening has a side business as a yacht captain/puppy salesman, you are probably lactose intolerant.
  3. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches make lousy throw pillows.
  4. The gunk living up inside your electric toothbrush probably isn’t black mold, but it’s not supposed to be there.
  5. Using hair as a napkin is unproductive and attracts bees.
  6. Darting outside to get the mail in your PJs and zit cream is a gamble not worth taking.
  7. Chewing 17 pieces of gum in a row is surprisingly unsatisfying.
  8. Pets need to be fed every day even if you don’t feel like it.
  9. Moving your dead plants indoors during a freeze to alleviate your guilt won’t bring them back to life.
  10. If your spouse purchases the extended warranty for your new laptop, it doesn’t mean he can’t trust you around technology. It means he can’t trust you around gravity.